Poster child for God’s ability to change a heart of stone to a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26, 27

For as long as I can remember, while I have known about God, my life, my very essence, stood in direct contrast to Him. My father was a minister, a pastor, and a very godly man during my teenage years. Though I respected him and tried never to embarrass him, I did not understand God and wanted nothing to do with Him. To me, the Bible was a book of stringent rules, designed to suck the fun out of my life. God was an overbearing being who required that I bow to him, and I saw no need to bow to anyone. I was too proud, too strong, to submit to anyone.

From my mid teens on, I have been a drug and alcohol user. While I honestly have very few memories of the first 30 years of my life, I do recall frequently walking to school, drinking vodka and smoking pot on the way. When I was 16, my parents got divorced. Since I was already working, I bought a trashy house trailer and moved out by myself. I used this place to live an incredibly sinful, yet empty lifestyle. I was thrown out of school when I was 17, but I considered this as freedom, not a setback. Shortly afterwards I became a father and got married because that is what you were supposed to do.

Though I wanted to be a good dad and I really did love my daughter, I had no feelings for her mother, so we very quickly got divorced. I tried to be a good weekend dad for the next 18 years, but my selfish, work-aholic, drug addicted life style wasn’t conducive to being an attentive parent. I had my daughter every weekend, but was very often busy or at work.

I learned early on that I had leadership skills, and by working hard, I could get somewhere in life. I poured myself into my job, and learned to deal with stress and problems by continuing to drink and do drugs. I was a functioning alcoholic and drug addict, and for over 20 years there were only a hand full of days I was not stoned and or drunk. I didn’t care about anything but getting ahead in life, and getting high in my spare time. I had no true friends- just party buddies, except for my father. He was the only person I respected and truly cared for.

When I was about 20, my father died. I was destroyed inside, but you would have never known it. By this time, I had become so hard and callous to life and everything in it, that seemingly nothing could faze me. As far as God was concerned, if that was how God took care of his own, and that was the reward for sacrifice and faithful service, God was a waste of life.

I threw myself further into work, and drugs, most days working 2 jobs, just to make enough money to support my lifestyle. At one point, I worked as a bouncer in campus bars for a few years. My physical stature may not seem to fit the mold of bouncer in your mind- you either had to be big and intimidating, or mean and incredibly stupid- I fit the latter.

This was a perfect job for my sinful lifestyle, as I got paid to get drunk, to fight, and got to go to the best parties. Many days I went from job, to job, to party, to job. Eventually I “helped” a poor guy down the stairs, head first, and it was decided that I was too aggressive, so they moved me to bar tender. While I enjoyed drinking straight from the beer tap and booze bottles, luckily the job got old.

The next several years are totally a blur for me- I worked and stayed high or drunk any time I was not at work. I got married again, but it was short lived. I wanted a mother for my daughter because I was too busy working to care for her, my wife didn’t care much for kids and wanted a submissive husband- it didn’t last.

When I was 28 years old, I met the most amazing woman. She had an 18 month old daughter. I could never figure out why, but I had immediate, genuine, feelings for them and wanted to protect and nurture them. They had a rough life, and I was going to fix that. They were my greatest “project”. I think pride in myself, and them, drove me somewhat. As much as I had developed a hatred for mankind in general and had never felt any genuine love for anyone since my dad died, they meant the world to me.

Of course- the way I took care of them was to continue working myself into a coma. When ever I was at home, I’d get stoned, only in hiding, and that was the way they knew me. I would have seemed different if I were ever sober. My anger and bitterness was suppressed that way. My wife often said “why do you love us so much, and yet hate the whole world”. I didn’t know. Truthfully I don’t know where my rage came from but it was there. I recall a drawing my daughter made of our family once. Mom, my daughter and even the dog were happy. However, she drew me standing there menacingly, and my shirt read “All People ____ (stink)”. That was my motto.

My wife had gone to church before and still had a desire to go that way, but I pulled hard on her, tempting her into my lifestyle. I temporarily caused her, as I had set an example for so many other people, to be pulled away from seeking after God. However, God’s pull on her life eventually won out, and she began to attend a church. I didn’t fight her, and in fact wrote out her tithing checks on her income, but wanted nothing to do with it myself. It was for weak people who could not stand strong on their own merits. She would always invite me to attend, but I would refuse, making her sad.

The very few times I attended, I’d make her even sadder by sitting in the back and daring anyone to speak to me. She would pray for me at the alter call, but my hard heart always won out. My spirit was so deadened by bitterness, pride and drugs that I felt nothing. I had assumed and had told her and others proudly that if God ever wanted me, he didn’t anymore. I had burned up all my chances. She often told me that her church friends were praying for me. I really despised that at the time, but I appreciate it so much now.

That “Heart of stone” I mentioned at the start? One Sunday morning, my wife went to church. As I usually did, I got high and went riding. This day, I took my dual sport and went dirt riding with my brother. For those who don’t know me, I have always had far more guts than skill. I found a huge “table-top” jump and began going higher and farther than skill could carry me. I eventually crashed and the bike landed hard on top of me. Though it hurt tremendously, I didn’t care and in fact found it funny. My brother came over and lifted my bike off of me to find my foot pointing the wrong direction. He was visibly shaken, but I assumed a cast and 6 weeks and I’d be back to normal.

I made him start my bike and I rode it back several miles with my lower leg flopping in the wind. I felt invincible, as if nothing could get me down, because I had always overcome tremendous adversity in the past and survived. In my mind I was superman. I had always hated the verse in the bible that said I could do nothing without God, and thought I was proving it wrong every day!

After arriving at the hospital and finding out the damage was quite severe, I still didn’t think much of it. I thought “one surgery and some time in a cast- big deal”. I would survive and show everyone how tough I was. The doctor told us, as they always do, of the worst case scenarios. You know, the things that never happen, but could, including loss of my leg. Well, one by one, everything they told us that would not likely happen did. I had surgery after surgery- 5 in all, and to this day still have a long rod and screws in my leg.

I was hospitalized for infections because my white blood count was critically low. I had a home nurse, gave myself IV’s and had to clean and pack the inside of my leg daily. Nothing seemed to make it heal. The chances that my leg would come off seemed greater and greater, as my pride, my flesh and my hard heart continued to be attacked. There was one day I got on my Harley, cast and all. I couldn’t even stand up. I stuffed my crutches into the back of my jacket and rode off. I just had to rebel and show the world I could not be conquered. That was my life style. God would break that yet.

One day, I was severely ill, mentally and physically. I was imagining my broken life with one leg, in a wheelchair and all of the sudden my bubble of pride burst. I began balling my eyes out and totally lost it. My wife had no idea what to do, as she had never seen me cry- it was something I just didn’t do. I had lost all strength to continue on, realizing that I could not overcome this no matter what. I had no idea what to do, I felt as if all were lost. God had cracked the exterior of my hard heart. Just weeks after that, I had one final surgery, and everything began to heal. Imagine that- after I lost all confidence in myself, suddenly, I was going to be ok.

I continued my drug and alcohol consumption, and working far too much, first on crutches and then with a cane, but those 6 months were the best thing that ever happened to me. I began to realize for the first time that I was not in control of everything, and that at any moment, all of the things I had worked for all my life could be snatched away from me. I was appreciating life for the first time. My heart was softening, even if my exterior was still rock hard.

One weekend about a year later, my wife had a dream that she should return to her old church, the church that I had moved her away from. She did so, and felt a reviving of her spirit that she longed for. The next Sunday, she invited me to church, and for an unknown reason, I agreed. We drove separately that morning, again for an unknown reason at the time but God knew. I sat in the back of the church, arms folded, daring anyone to talk to me.

The pastor’s message?... I didn’t hear it. At the end, he gave an alter call. My wife was crying and was angry that I would not comply, but I hadn’t heard the call... yet. Then, the pastor asked the congregation to look around and invite someone to pray if they felt led. I hated that!! Just then, a man began to approach me, and I honestly felt like slapping him in the mouth. I formed the word NO in my mouth, as I knew he would ask me to pray. He began “would you like to… KNOW JESUS”.

I immediately said NO angrily, but at that moment realized that I did not decline prayer, I announced verbally that I wanted nothing to do with the Lord Jesus- I had denied Christ. At that very instant, I felt the greatest physical and emotional pressure I had ever felt in my life. A weight had just been slammed upon my chest. I believe Jesus somehow said “ok- you want to see what the weight of your sin really feels like? You take it”. It was all I could do, as the man I thought I was, to get out of the church, but as soon as I closed the door to my van I lost it.

The Holy Spirit is a great driver! I put the van in drive and don’t remember another thing until I was very near my home 35 minutes later. I poured my heart out to God, having realized for the first time how my life was offending God with every breath I took, and how the sins I so freely committed without fear or care were stacking up against me. I repented, and gave my heart to the Lord completely, and have never looked back.

I got home, shared my experience with Debbie and we laughed and cried. I told her I had something I needed to do. I went to the garage and not out of guilt, but out of relief, I threw away hundreds of dollars in drugs and paraphernalia. I didn’t need it anymore. The burden and the hatred had been lifted and I was a new man.

I returned to work one day later, and immediately began telling them what had happened. They could readily see I was messed up- because for some reason my total demeanor had changed, my language had cleaned up, and I was a totally new person. That zeal I had once had for sin, for getting ahead in the world, the careless nature I had, it was gone. I was now using that same zeal and strong will to boast of the Lord, not of myself. They knew God was real, if I could have changed so drastically.

A few days later, I opened my fridge and realized that I still had a ton of beer. I hadn’t even thought about it since Sunday. I felt the Lord tell me I wouldn’t need them anymore, so I poured them all out. A few weeks later, I felt God telling me that while I am running around telling people how the Lord delivered me from all my addictions, I was a slave to cigarettes and couldn’t wait to smoke another. So, as not to hurt my witness, I gave them up. Again, not in condemnation, but in freedom.

I know some times people seem to be transformed slowly, and may not experience such a tremendous change so drastically. Please understand, I was easily one of the most prideful, strong willed, mean, angry, self centered people alive. God had to turn me upside down and shake the devil out of me, so I would not be tempted to believe I accomplished any of it on my own. Now if anyone would try to tell me God wasn’t real, anyone, I would tell them they are wrong, because He proved Himself to me.

God saved and cleaned me up so that all men could see the healing changing power they could experience, if only they would turn their hearts over completely to Him. Paul said it best in 1 Timothy when he quoted “ … Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy, so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display His unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life”.

To paraphrase Jesus from Luke 7- he who has been forgiven much, loved much. That’s me!!

Now I ask you, “Why would he save us, and leave us here?” I was called- you were all called to a journey, not a destination. None of us have arrived! When Jesus called the disciples, he did not say “say this prayer and go about your normal life”, or “believe upon me, and go and wait till it’s time for heaven”. He told them to stop what they were doing, and follow Him. He called all Christians to follow him and be fishers of men.

In Ephesians, Paul states “We are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God has prepared in advance for us to do”. Can we dare not put our hand to the plow, get involved, seek to serve others, to save the lost? Were we not all called to do so?

2nd Corinthians explains how our service meets the need of Gods people, but it also overflows in many thanks to Him. You will never grow any stronger, be any closer, please God any more than when you are setting yourself aside and attending to the needs of others. That was totally Not me before, but God has miraculously used me in so many ways, teaching me His love through serving others. It’s funny to see how shocked people are who knew me before and see me now.

He has put me in so many places that my cold heart, my prejudice and my complete lack of emotion would have never allowed me to go. My wife was shocked a few weeks after I was saved, when I told her I thought God wanted me to usher at Church. She said “you hate people?!” I said, “I know, but I really think God wants me to do it”. What a humbling, faith building, strengthening, sanctifying experience serving the Lord is.

I am in NO WAY bragging, but God has really allowed me to serve Him in many ways! I’ve led missions trips, witnessed on and off the job, served my pastor and fellow church members in any way I possibly could. It still amazes me that the guy I just described would be serving in church as an usher and an elder.

God even saw fit to have me serve as one of the administrative board members of the church. What an honor to be in charge of caring for God’s house, His finances, His people. Me, the guy who hated God and all people! In 1 Timothy 3:13, Paul wrote “Those who have served well gain an excellent standing and great assurance in their faith in Christ Jesus”. This is one of the greatest truths in the bible. I dare you to try to prove it wrong!

As my final thought, I will share with you what Jesus commanded to Paul after healing him from the blindness he sustained when he was supernaturally slapped off of his horse.

Acts 26:16-18 “Now get up and stand on your feet. I have appeared to you to appoint you as a servant, and as a witness of what you have seen in me and what I will show you. I will rescue you from your own people and from the Gentiles. I am sending you to them to open their eyes, to turn them from darkness to light, from the power of satan to God, so that they may receive forgiveness of their sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me.” All I can say to that is AMEN!