My testimony is not of my salvation, but it is about my separation, repentance and restoration to God. The bible is a living word and it is intertwined with me since I started a daily devotion in July 2005 it is growing in me. Listen to what the Holy Spirit is speaking to you through my words and references. I said my separation because I was the one responsible for it. God is omnipotent (all powerful) and omniscient (all knowing) He never left me. He was with me always. I was the one that left. God knew me before I was born; he knew what I would get involved in.

PSALM 81:12So I gave them up to their own hearts' lust and let them go after their own stubborn will, He released me to fulfill my hearts lust.

He also knew that I would repent of it and serve him with all of my heart.

There is a song by Jeremy Camp called My Desire that explains a lot. It starts like this:

YOU WANT TO BE REAL. YOU WANT TO BE EMPTY INSIDE. YOU WANT TO BE SOMEONE LAYING DOWN YOUR PRIDE. YOU WANT TO BE SOMEONE SOMEDAY. THEN LAY IT ALL DOWN BEFORE THE KING.

My desire is to be used of God. In order to do that all doubt, regret, hate, discontent, anger, lust and sin must be removed. All of these worked against me having a fruitful Christian life. They all come from Satan, who is trying to trip you up. Let’s take a look at our enemy and identify his tactics so we can recognize him and realize what is actually happening.

JERIMIAH 17:9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? This is the old worldly heart not the Chrisitian heart. Sometimes we try to hang on to our old ways.


EPHESIANS 6:12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Things we cannot see.


1 PETER 5:8 “your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour”

I was devoured at 8 years old. I was introduced to pornography and it has pursued me ever since. Both my dad and step dad had porn. They tried to hide it but I would have torn the house apart to find it.

JOHN 8:38 I tell the things which I have seen and learned at My Father's side, and your actions also reflect what you have heard and learned from your father.

I learned that porn was O.K. it was part of "being a man". I became tolerant of it, like everybody else.I allowed it to turn from a fantasy to a passion to a stronghold. Every woman that has been in my life for any period of time has caught me in this. I will speak of the effects it has on woman at the end. I said that it pursued me because for 25 years it has. Looking back I can clearly see the successful attempts of the enemy to put this in my path repeatedly. At age 13 me and my two best friends were rafting down the St. Vrain River in Longmont Colorado. We stopped under a bridge and went up the bank and found a stack of magazines big enough to supply each of us with a lifelong stronghold and struggle.

This was not blind luck or happenstance it was a deliberate ambush, a well thought out attack against three young warriors to keep their minds and hearts occupied and out of God’s will. And it worked, for years it worked. It damaged my perception of what a healthy intimate relationship with my wife should be. Most important it kept me from having a right and fruitful relationship with God. That is why I am here today.

Why is there such a problem with porn? The book “Wild At Heart” by John Eldredge explains it this way.

“We all long for the beauty but lack the heart it takes to find her, win her over and keep her. We are powerfully drawn to the woman but find that she is a mystery that we realize we cannot solve. So at a soul level we keep our distance. Pornography is so addictive because it makes a man feel like a man without requiring anything of him. There is no responsibility.”

The book “Faithful and True” by Mark Lasser paints an accurate picture. There is a vicious cycle of sexual addiction that will lead you into darker depths. No matter where you are now if you continue in it, it will get worse. The things you are tolerant of now will condemn you to get into things that you were once repulsed by. Satan tempts you to lust after a woman or an image, once you give into it he condemns you with the same thing he was just tempting you with 10 minutes ago! The cycle begins with Sexual Fantasy. Being consumed with sexual thoughts.

This is not the normal desire to have for sex with your wife but an onslaught of images, positions, locations and partners nonstop. Why is this so addictive? Fantasizing can be exciting enough to produce adrenalin and affect the pleasure centers in your brain that positively alter your mood like a narcotic. You can fantasize without even using porn because your mind keeps stored images. You have a rolodex of filth on call. Pornography is the next building block in the cycle. Porn is not just the x-rated videos, magazines or the internet (my personal downward spiral).It can be a commercial on regular T.V. that arouses lust.

I went to watch a fight with some Christian friends recently. There was no cussing, no drinking, no smoking, and no drugs but there was lust. Every time the camera went to the crowd, every time it panned across the ring girl there were lewd comments made. It grieved my spirit because I had been preparing for this testimony. How many times in the past had I jumped right in with them? More than likely every time. That is wrong and I was wrong. Iron sharpens iron, I felt like a razor hanging out with a plastic spork from taco bell. I want to challenge my Christian brothers and I want them to challenge me.

MATTHEW 23:24 Ye blind guides, which strain at a gnat, and swallow a camel. What are you being tolerant of?

The definition is yours to make. It is different for all of us. We need to recognize porn is not just the hard core material, it is the subtle messages we are taught everyday that teach us incorrectly about family life, relationships, romance, intimacy and sexuality. Masturbation is the final building block. It is the ultimate act of selfishness. It tears you down and erodes you sense of strength. You feel second rate, you experience humiliation and shame.

These three building blocks work together. Fantasy is created by a need to satisfy a deep longing. Porn displays images of how to do that. Masturbation is the physical expression of that. Porn stimulates fantasy, fantasy needs to be expressed. Masturbation allows a release of that need. There is a problem with this cycle, while it may satisfy the physical need for sex it can never satisfy the emotional and spiritual hunger that is in your soul. This physical need is gratified in the easiest and most accessible way. The result is more sexual activity is needed to temporarily escape negative feelings. More sexual activity then creates more negative feelings.

It is a degenerative process, it gets worse and worse. You build up a tolerance like with alcoholism. You need more and more to satisfy the habit. Remember that the devil will charge you more than you want to pay and keep you longer than you want to stay. Porn is such a snare to men because we are seeking validation and nurturance from a woman. These images are all too agreeable and available. The vicious cycle of this sexual addiction will get you in a position of shame. You won’t want to share your struggle with anyone especially not your spouse. So you feel alone. You become preoccupied with it and begin to have a sexual fantasy. From there you make arrangements to act out these fantasies. This is a ritual phase and there is “a still small voice” 1 KINGS 19:12 that is trying to stop you. That voice is so easy to ignore sometimes.

PSALMS 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God. Stop what you are doing and listen to that voice, take the time to let the Holy Spirit minister to you.

The next step is acting out, masturbation or even an affair. When you finish; DESPAIR. Last time was going to be the last time, you promised. You now feel weak, perverted, helpless and paranoid about being found out so you get depressed. You are separated from God but there is restoration.

What are you afraid of? Being found out, being exposed, being shown as an imposter and not a real man.

What is a man for? What are you here for? What is your purpose? God did not put you on the earth to be a good boy! He wired you for adventure. It is written into your heart. You are made in God’s image, you are powerful, designed to come through, to explore, build and conquer. You have what it takes to succeed.

1 CORINTHIANS 10:13 There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. Praise God there is hope! You are so much greater than what it is that has come against you. It says “common to man” that means everybody is dealing with something, but you have the power to overcome it. Stop asking “can I do this, am I strong enough" or “will I do the right thing”. Yes, Yes, Yes!!! You are more than a conqueror you have to have the courage to go forward. If not you will pass this curse on to your kids. That is how I learned it.

After today, if you choose to enlist in this war against pornography in your church, office, home, and heart. You will be come very dangerous to the Satan. He has had you in a defeated and conquered state for too long. But in order to sign up you need to be willing to do three things.

1. RECOGNIZE & ACKNOWLEDGE IT

JOHN 10:10 “the thief comes to steal, kill and destroy”.

This is happening to you right now. Your peace, happiness and blessings are being taken from you.

MARK 4:22 “For there is nothing hid, which shall not be manifested; neither was any thing kept secret, but that it should come abroad.” It is going to come out.

ROMANS 7:15-20 15For I do not understand my own actions. I do not practice or accomplish what I wish, but I do the very thing that I loathe. 16Now if I do what is contrary to my desire, I acknowledge and agree that the Law is good and that I take sides with it. 17However, it is no longer I who do the deed, but the sin which is at home in me and has possession of me. 18For I know that nothing good dwells within me, that is, in my flesh. I can will what is right, but I cannot perform it. 19For I fail to practice the good deeds I desire to do, but the evil deeds that I do not desire to do are what I am doing. 20Now if I do what I do not desire to do, it is no longer I doing it, but the sin which dwells within me. The sin is in us, it is not who we are.

MATTHEW 26:41 Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak. Watch and pray. Be aware! This is the heart of the battle, between the flesh and the spirit.

2. MAKE A CHOICE TO CHANGE

ROMANS 12:2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God. What is the perfect will of God for your life? He gave us the Ten Commandments as guidlines but ultimately we must make the choice to follow. We need to take the responsibilty.There are things in your life standing in the way of the will of God. This is not a behavior to change but an actual renewing of your mind. Get into some Christian radio and T.V. programming. Guard your gates. Fill yourself with the things of the Spirit, not the flesh and the world.

Why should I change? ROMANS 14:12 So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God. You may think that God is a mean God, that he wants to punish you. He is gentle and patient. He is waiting for you to turn from this just like the prodigal son did. Get this off of your current list. Put in it on the forgiven, washed in the blood of the lamb and forgotten list.

3. ATTACK IT, BE COURAGEOUS, BE RESPONSIBLE, BE A MAN

Fasten your seat belt it will be a bumpy ride but you are marching into battle with the Lion of Judah, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. The outcome is assured but it will be a fight. You will need to know what His battle plan is and how you are used in it. This comes from spending time with God. I know this holds no meaning to you. You have been taught this since you were a boy. It goes against your feelings, thoughts and priorities. You have got to go against your flesh, get out of your comfort zone.

John 3:30 He must increase, but I must decrease.

You have got to make it a reality in your life and it is not easy. Be in his word and talking to him daily. This is the same stuff you learned about in Sunday school when you were 12. Today let it mean something. Let it be important. Make it real. You are embarking on the adventure of a lifetime.

Ephesians 6:13-14
13Therefore put on God's complete armor, that you may be able to resist and stand your ground on the evil day, and, having done all, to stand. 14Stand therefore, having tightened the belt of truth around your loins .

You need a belt to hold up your pants. Think of yourself sitting on the commode and the phone ringing, there is a sense of urgency to answer the phone but you are ineffective to move quickly with your pants around your ankles. You must pull up your pants and tighten up your belt to keep them from falling down. It is the same thing with this belt of truth. You need to use it for it to work.

James 4:7 Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Be real, acknowledge it repent of it. You have got to be real to break it down. David Bemner once said “the more honest and truthful we are with ourselves is the evidence of God’s love for us”.

This is where RESTORATION comes in. It comes from identifying areas in your life that are keeping you separated from God. Doing whatever it takes to tear them down. Then fulfilling Gods purpose for your life.

Ezekiel 36:26 A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh. This new heart is the gift you receive at salvation it is given when you get saved.

You need to crucify you flesh daily, not just on Sunday. The guilt you feel is not unforgiveness but a lack of repentance. Accountability is a great concept with one inherent error. Man, with our Adamic sin nature we are only as accountable as we want to be. You need to desire healing to receive deliverance. John Eldredge said “things denied cannot be healed”. You need to be accountable to your spouse. True accountability means no secrets. No room for bondage. Tell whoever you are led to tell. You won’t be led by the Spirit to keep it to yourself. I wouldn’t be here today telling you my darkest secrets and struggles if I wasn’t led to be obedient.

I mentioned the affects this has on women earlier. What does a woman do with this? Internalize. You need to let her know in your confession that it had nothing to do with her. She will want to blame herself, wonder what she did or didn’t do. She will be shocked, hurt, angry, betrayed and who knows what else. But, if you keep this from her it will burn a hole in you. Remember no room for bondage. All of this has not been revealed to me in a time when my wife and I have experienced a fulfilling physical relationship. She has been under attack in her health for over two years. We have slept in separate beds for the past six months due to those health issues. I used that for a long time as an excuse to look, to lust and to masturbate. I was even encouraged to masturbate because she knew my needs were not being met. No matter what this is not her problem, she is not my excuse.

Your spouse is not your excuse either. I was able to see all of this for what it really was, a deception. I had to break the cycle. I was approached to give my testimony on porn addiction at a time when my testimony was incomplete. I was still in it. Not the hardcore stuff. I had thrown that away. I was still struggling with the stored images. Trying to get my wife to be the girl in the movie. Trying to make her satisfy my over the top sexual needs. Still fantasizing and putting her face on different perverted acts, still masturbating. It had to stop and it had to stop immediatley.

I prayed and dove into the Word. I stopped masturbating in December 2005 only by the power of Christ in me. This was something I had done for 20 years, multiple times a week. I wanted it, I needed it, I couldn't stop. LIES, LIES, LIES. Jesus Christ is my source and my strength. I broke 2 of the 3 parts of the cycle, porn and masturbation. The 3rd fantasizing, I am still tempted by images, look around they are everywhere. The temptation is not the sin, Jesus was tempted.

It is what you do with it. Renew your mind, develope a hatred for sin, get it out if your life, cleanse your new heart of flesh. It is no longer a heart of stone it is fragile it needs to be taken care of ministered to.

2 CORINTHIANS 10:5 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ; You need to take every thought captive. Is it of God or of the world?

For years I lied to myself. I could put down alcohol, cigarretes, chew, cussing, hate but I always held on to my porn and matsurbation. It was like I said Lord I gave up all of those other things, I'll make a deal with you. Let me keep this one thing and I will serve you with what is left of me. It didn't even add up to half. NO DEAL was the response. You cant get on fire for Jesus when your sin is burning you up inside. You can't be bold and ashamed at the same time.

ROMANS 8:1 There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.

The cross is not for condemnation it is for forgivness. Take this sin to the foot of the cross and lay it down. It is not for guilt but for restoration. If you are struggling with this there is restoration and forgiveness. If you are involved in it and not experiencing a struggle BE CAREFUL. It is my prayer that you will never have a peace about this again.

That your spirit will convict your flesh and you will never again see it as an innocent act with no victim. Clay Crosse wrote a song called "Somebodys Daughter", what if it was your daughter would that change anything? I want you to be honest with yourself. Be real.

GALATIANS 6:4 But let every man prove his own work, and then shall he have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in another.

Do a candid self assesment. Look into your heart. Recognize how much you look, how much you lust and how much you masturbate. Pray about laying these things down at the foot of the cross.

Job 31:1 I made a covenant with mine eyes; why then should I think upon a maid? I have a post it note on my computer that says one word, COVENANT.

YOU WANT TO BE WHOLE. YOU WANT TO HAVE PURPOSE INSIDE. YOU WANT TO HAVE VIRTUE AND PURIFY YOUR MIND. YOU WANT TO BE SET FREE TODAY THEN LAY IT ALL DOWN BEFORE THE KING. THIS IS MY DESIRE. THIS IS MY RETURN. THIS IS MY DESIRE TO BE USED BY YOU.