An Endless Search

 

 "I was searching for fulfillment, acceptance and security. I desperately wanted to be loved and no man could fill the void in my heart. Deep down, I still believed in God but decided to do my own thing. Drinking, partying and men became a way of life."

 

I have always longed to know my dad. My parents met in the Marine Corps and had an affair. Since my father was already married, he made a hasty departure when he found out my mom was pregnant, claiming I was not his child. My mom is black, my father is white, and I always longed to fit in and belong somewhere. But I felt neither black nor white, so I didn't fit in anywhere.

 

I was raised Catholic and went to private Catholic schools most of my life. I had knowledge of God and even believed in Him but I was very turned off by religion. When I was in college, I joined ROTC, where I met my husband, Tom, who was an avid Pentecostal. Not only did his religion bring about a big change in my life, it also became a major stumbling block to my belief in God. I saw so much hypocrisy. At church he was this incredibly holy man but at home he was not a spiritual leader at all. Right after college, I was commissioned as a second lieutenant in the United States Army stationed in Germany. Tom went with me but our marriage was already in trouble. I wasn't happy and after only a year and a half together, I wanted out. I was empty inside and made up my mind the marriage needed to end, especially since I was already developing another relationship with another man. After a couple of months counseling which failed, I was divorced. I also ended my affair with the man I had been seeing but immediately got involved with someone else.

 

The new man in my life was a professed Christian who encouraged me to read the Bible and attend Bible studies. He bought me a Bible and helped me understand it. I struggled with the concept of Christianity because of the pretense I had seen in Tom. Although this new boyfriend and I were sleeping together, he voiced no objection to it, even though his faith taught against sex outside marriage.

 

I broke up with him and pursued yet another relationship. It was a pattern that I continued in my life. I was searching for fulfillment, acceptance and security. I desperately wanted to be loved but no man could fill the void in my heart. Deep down, I still believed in God but decided to do my own thing. Drinking, partying and men became my way of life.

 

When I returned to the United States, I decided it was time for a change. I left the Army and began pursuing a new career in acting. I landed a job in Baltimore touring with a children's theater group. I moved out of the apartment I was sharing with a male companion to start a new relationship with yet another man. I was excited about the prospects ahead but something was still missing.

 

One day I saw a help- wanted ad in the newspaper and I went on an interview for the job. It ended up being a multilevel marketing company. After a year, I decided to pursue a full time career in this field because of the potential of making lots of money. I knew if I had more money I would be happy, so I packed up my belongings, got in my car and moved to Florida. One month later, I was facing financial ruin. To help pay my mounting bills, I started waitressing.

 

I met this girl at work who was very kind and cheerful. She seemed so different. She invited me to go to church with her, something I was not interested in. I let her know I believed in God but that I did not do the "church thing" and yet I was miserable. I was drinking heavily and when I finally got kicked out of my apartment, I started to think about this friend and the "church thing".

 

I called her and told her I would go with her on Easter Sunday. The church was too big, but the people were very kind. It was the first time I felt like I fit in, the first time I ever felt at home in a church. After the service her mom invited me to live with them since they had an extra room. I accepted, moved in and started going to church on a regular basis.

 

One Wednesday evening, I was struck by the pastor's message. It made me realize that I had been blaming other people's failures as an excuse to run away from God. The light came on. I had spent years running away from God, trying to fill the emptiness in my life with everything but God.

 

I got involved in Bible studies and began to grow in my relationship with God. I started reading the Bible on my own. Before long, I left waitressing and got a job as a copy editor and my endless stream of relationships ended. Once all of the meaningless relationships with men were out of the way, a longing to know my real father surfaced.

 

One afternoon, I was on the internet and just for kicks typed in my dad's name to see what would come up. To my surprise, his name appeared with an address and phone number. I called right away. The phone rang and rang with no answer. I called that evening and got an answering machine with a woman's voice. I quickly hung up.  I prayed and called again the next morning. A woman answered. "Can I speak to Mr. Tim Johnson?" I asked. "Who's calling?" she replied. "Maddelin." Soon I heard a man say "Hello". I told him that although he did not know me, I believed he knew my mom. I asked if he had been in the Marine Corp. "Yes" he replied. I asked quickly if he knew a Penny Brock. Quietly, hesitantly he replied, "Yes". I knew his wife was there, so I gave him my phone number and asked him to call when it was a good time. It wasn't long before my phone rang.

 

Nervously I told him who I was. We talked for more than an hour and had a good conversation. He acknowledged that he was my father and we agreed to exchange pictures. On that miraculous day, I received an answer to my prayers and began a relationship with my father. I still have a relationship with him but more importantly through Jesus Christ, I have a relationship with my Heavenly Father. The emptiness inside me is gone because God has filled that void in my life with Himself.

 

 

 

 

Plan of Salvation