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| Tuesday, September 07, 2010
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| Rick Bailey - Clayton N.C.
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 As I sit and ponder about my life, it was all sin; I realize now God’s grace was active and His mercy about me all the days I lived. God has pursued me and I did not see beyond my own selfish sin and darkness.
As I begin to write this testimony of my life, I see hurt to Christ and myself and to everybody, selfishness, condemnation toward Jesus. It was all about me, what I could get out of the situation in the end.
I have learned it was not about me, it’s about Christ and what HE desires to do through me. I realized that due to my selfishness, I put Christ on the cross by actions and sins. I put the stripes on HIS back and the whole time I pictured Him tied up, looking at me saying, “I did this for you” It is ok, I paid the price for all your sins. Pick up your cross and follow me, buried is your sin in my flesh and I’ll grow you up a new life in Me. I love you this much.
I was born and my life was not ok. My father did not want to have anything to do with me. He abandoned me as an infant, so I was raised by my mother and great aunt. Along with my older sister, I was growing up asking about my father and told he did not want you. He ran off, drank and all the time chasing women, he did not want to have anything to do with me. I was told I was better off without him. As I grew older, I became angry inside and lashed out on my sister and grew hatred in my heart for other kids with fathers. They were different and I saw peace in their family. I had a mother I loved that I strived to please but only fell short. You became the object of pointing blame. Alcohol was a big part in my eyes around my mother, her friends and other family members. I was told alcohol was bad for you but everyone drank it. Other folks outside my family did not drink and abuse their kids like I was. I grew to hate my entire family as a child. I always tried to please and failed and lashed out at my sister. I would strike her and she would retaliate. This would not last but a short time; I would made attempts to reconcile but only in the flesh apart from Christ. We would hug but that was it and went on being brother and sister.
Robbie, my sister, would look out for me sometimes and other times would ridicule, mock and scoff. The fear I had was the cursing, yelling and beating I would have to take for hours long. I would take it and look for other places for compassion. I detested my situation. During this I had a father but did not know it, God’s grace and protection surrounded me all of my life.
I worked on a truck farm as a kid growing vegetables meeting people who always gave me praise for the work I did around the farm. Pulling weeds, working like a man, sweating alongside the owner, Hubbard, who was always an encourager to me, making me laugh. Hubbard always encouraged me and taught me to work hard, do what you say and respect others. Looking back, the Lord used Hubbard as the father figure I never had. When he died it was as if I lost my real dad.
During all this time my mother dating and alcohol was a large part of the scene. She would go out and come back long after I had gone to bed. Some of men would ridicule me and make rude comments behind my mom’s back. I realized later I was their folly and entertainment. I hated my mother and the situation I found myself in. I became confused, taught something and saw something different. Anger and bitterness began to consume me. I harmed my dog and I got a beating for it. Hubbard came down and talked to me on the back porch, may sure you beat him for what he did. I remember Hubbard telling me it was ok. That was the first time I had seen grace shown to me. I was still getting more and more confused inside. My mother began dating more and more. She married and I had a stepfather. Sadly the new wore off, they drank more and more as I grew accustomed to the alcohol presence. The bickering and yelling between parents seemed to always turn to me. I got the ridicule, blame and beating. It was very hard to stay around after school. It seemed as if I could not do anything right and took it in and waited for the belt coming off. I hated my father. I would get the chance to run and would run to Hubbard’s. He would clean my legs and tell me it was going to be ok. Whether Hubbard knew it or not, the Lord used him to comfort me.
Robbie and I were told we were to go to church and not to speak about our home life. The first day in Sunday school, I felt out of place. I had never been to church except with mom as a very young child. I was told to sit, don’t move and look at the preacher. The Sunday school teacher gave a salvation message, the entire time, staring at me. I finally gave in, repeated a prayer not knowing what it meant. Had to take a test in the church office while the elders provided the answers, told I was saved, approved and my name went on the role as a notch in someone’s belt.
Church going dwindled away and our siblings were born where all the attention was focused. The siblings became the idol.
As I grew up, I eventually learned about other vices in my life. Drugs and sex became an avenue of escape as this path led to deeper darkness. I worked so I did not have to steal to support my habits, although my life was being plundered the entire time. I went to my grandparents in Florida during one school year, things change as the wrong education began. I was given rules and there were many consequences in grandfather’s house. I worked for him cutting grass in summer and after school. After a while I learned school meant, drugs, girls and lying. I began to lie to cover things up to avoid the discipline of my grandfather. During that year, I was busted for skipping school by my uncle who was chief of police, driving under age on mainstreet high on mushrooms. My uncle did not let my grandparents know because he knew what would happen to me. This became a pattern of deceit as later I was caught in my girlfriend’s bedroom by her mother and my uncle covered for me again. Covering myself with more fig leaves only to realize God sees everything.
As the school year and summer ended, I went back to my parents. As I ran from what I perceived was abuse, I was falling into deeper darkness. I learned to use drugs to cope with my home life staying away from all the yelling and abuse. After I was abused one day, I was hidden at a teacher’s house to keep from going to social services. I stayed with her almost the entire duration of my senior school year. I had grown not only fond of her but became sexually involved as a child was birthed months later. My son’s name is Jason. The teacher’s parents stepped in and raised him. I went in to the military a few months after Jason’s birth. I have not seen Jason since and want him to know I love him, most importantly God loves him. I wish to reconcile the broken relationship with my son and pray for him.
This sin I did against Christ, put more stripes on His back, all the sins of iniquity, lust, adultery and self centeredness, it was still all about me. Satan using us as puppets deceiving us along the way as my depravity continued to be exposed. I can’t change the past but I can now look to Christ for redemption, forgiveness and reconciliation. Jesus paid for all my sin, when He said, “It is finished”, the wrath of God and judgment I deserve was paid in full, satisfied and mercy granted to Rick Bailey. This path of darkness and deceit continued as I met my first wife Karen. It all began in lust and sin. The wrath of God rested upon me as I made a covenant with Karen before God of which I had violated her before marriage. I learned to look the other way against the iniquity, adultery and deceitful things I was doing against God not realizing through the years, nothing I ever did was good in God’s sight. My conscience becoming more and more defiled. In spite of deep sin, God blessed us with 3 beautiful children and one adopted child. We lived on an agreement, it was not a marriage, and it was an abomination in the sight of God. It was still all about me, desiring Karen for fleshly reasons not to love her as Christ loved the church. Although our family was active and participating in church work, we were never confronted in our sin. I was detestable and my best before God was still fodder. I sinned against God but hurt my wife and children every way imaginable. This was God’s wrath upon me but I was too blind to see it. It was still all about me, the very thing that happened to me as a child that I hated; I did to my own kids.
Even when we separated, there was never any trust as affairs with friends, neighbors and the like. When I was confronted, I always blamed others for my actions and never came to account for anything I did. It was God’s wrath and displeasure upon my life. I could make money but it did not buy any happiness as I used it only for selfish pleasure. Although going to church and active in youth/men’s ministry, our marriage got worse and worse. Again, we were never confronted in our sin nor did we see anyone confessing their sin. We continued to put on the false face and fight like hell going to and from the church building. I was putting things in front of my marriage such as friends, work, money, toys and personal pleasures. As I write this, I’m not blaming the church for my sin; it was God’s wrath upon me. Most of the churches I was associated with were as lost as I was. Please do not put your salvation or the reconciliation of your marriage in the fact that you are attending a church. You can be in the church but not the bride of Christ. I led mission trips and was even asked to be a deacon. I realize now I was blaspheming the Lord Jesus and those leading me were doing the same.
Our kids were growing. We were playing side with the kids causing more separation. My whole family was in a major uproar due to my inability to lead as God desires. I knew in my heart that our marriage was hopeless and no one was willing help us get it together. I wanted to be like everyone else at church, smile, be happy and everything would be ok. We had come to an unspoken situation of life, fight like hell, go to church, look good, put on happy face, get involved in hopes that maybe things will change like other families who were lost also.
We got involved in youth groups and I stayed involved to keep away from the house. Things went well for a period of time. We thought another child would be a mending element for the marriage. So adoption was the only available means. Child was found by an agency in Dallas, Texas. Eventually we met with the mother and signed the paperwork. She was mentally handicapped due to drug and alcohol abuse. During this, I felt this was not the solution for our family amongst all our turmoil, but I kept thinking this is an abused child. For seemingly all the wrong reasons, we still adopted her. We enjoyed the smiling baby girl, who we named Cheyenne. The Lord is His providence would use Cheyenne to be glue to keep me connected to a family I abandoned. Not through mere child support but as an agent of mercy to show the power of Jesus changing a heart of stone to flesh. Although I abandoned my family, God did not abandon me and would send me back to testify of HIS goodness through my wickedness. Nothing changed and as time passed, God’s wrath was still on me. I was too caught up in my self and had not been confronted in my sin. At this point we had 4 kids and a home.
I continued in the church youth groups I used as avenue to be with kids. It seemed to work. I drove myself into thinking I was needed but was not. I was needed in my home to be the shepherd God called me to be but was unaware of my calling. There was a mission trip to Mexico and to fund this we merged with another church financially. During the planning phase, I met another lady who shared the same issues at home I did. We found time to share, talk and console each other. As weeks went by we were assigned the same van to travel in. I found myself getting more attached to her. Things continued on, as the trip ended and we returned to our homes, I found I grew extremely fond of her. The fondness turned into lust and sin was conceived. The church became aware of the affair and I was instructed to not go on the next mission trip. I was told to step down from all activities in the church.
As word circulated in the small town about the affair, we decided to attempt reconcile with our respective families. Things grew worse in the home and we both left. Still under God’s wrath, we ran out west and traveled across the country leaving our children in the wake of our sin not understanding the repercussions of our actions. As we traveled, one lie worked to cover another lie and we became deceitful to everyone we were exposed to. After 13-14 months the sum of our sins were exposed in the courts and divorce was final. It did not do all I hoped it would to relieve the pain. I thought of hundreds of ways of how I could have done things different, I was beginning to see I was a true abomination in the sight of God. As I traveled telling people I knew Christ and all the lies I had spoken, realized God had mercy and grace on me. As I look back at all the stripes I put on Christ, to know HE loved me through it all. That is why HE died – Jesus told me I paid for it all.
Realizing I left my children... Ricky, Jessica, and Cody I knew I had gone too far. Again the very ones I loved I hurt...Deeply... the very flesh and blood, I was raising, I hurt... because of my own selfishness deceit and sin. I realized only God was going to heal these scars that I had cut deep into my kids. As time has gone by God is pursuing my kids and He is opening doors to their hearts. I pray for my kids daily, asking God to watch over them and to protect them. I pray that their hearts will be softened and let this veil between us drop and the healing start. I can’t change the past. God is a God of grace and mercy, I ask God for favor in my prayers, opening doors and tearing down strongholds and opening paths of reconciliation.
As I was running out of one marriage of sin and into another, I love Julie and we had issues. I was selfish and I did not want to lose her. There mere promises I had to make and keep. Get her children back in her arms. I thought that was just a monetary thing. She got them back. Things never changed for me, God had a plan for both of us. I have to repent to Julie’s sister for being a false witness, telling them I was their uncle when I wasn’t. I was a deceitful sinner and adulterer. There was no truth in our lives. They could not be present when I was married because they knew I lied to them. God still had His hand on me and allowed me to get to where I wanted to be. During my marriage we had raised 3 kids from Julie’s previous marriage. I still failed. I yelled like before, brought them up in anger, wrath and the very thing I did not want to become I was again. I had hurt Julie and as they left home, the oldest left on a bus to Texas, in a rage not trained up in the admonition of the Lord. She did not have a father and I made it worse. The son left in a rage confused, put his fist in a door not wanting to hit me, I could not see the damage I was doing to everyone’s life because I was blinded by my own sin.
I have talked to both of these kids, Melissa and Daniel confessing my sin and failures working on forgiveness and reconciliation by God’s grace. Stephanie left as we were accepting God’s call for our home, as for me and my house we will serve the Lord. As we discussed with Stephanie, my shortcomings and failures, she decided to leave with her boyfriend. We had a love hate relationship. We would talk about things in her life, good and bad. I would encourage her to stop, change so we would not hurt her mother. I realized I was hurting Julie and Stephanie by not encouraging her to confess her sin and be reconciled to God through Christ. I should have learned nothing happens by covering the truth but pain, guilt and shame. We both realize by not working through these things honestly and with integrity, we hurt Stephanie more than anyone else. Sin in our life created sin in her life as well. There is a new an ongoing relationship with Stephanie. She is visiting and God is showing her HIS mercy through our failures.
Before Stephanie left home, Julie and I had 2 kids. I sometimes think if we did not have Ben would we still be married? This will be answered soon. Emily was born, as Julie and I talked, I realized I was being the adult I hated as a child. Throughout our marriage it was very rough, I felt like I had to dominate my wife for her to submit. We went to marriage counseling many times. I was told I have anger issues, I did then and it scared me that people were figuring me out. Counseling stopped and things went back to the old Rick. I could not see beyond my own selfish state and darkened mind. God had a hand in our lives. Got into the cabinet business and was taught by a crack addict. During that time he left on a binge and was not found. I had the biggest install I ever had without my trainer. This is when the Lord began to make Himself know to me and Julie. I gave my word that I would finish this install. It took 3 ½ days, a lot of prayer and a man who followed Christ who saw something in me, put up with me and helped me finished the install. He made excuses for me behind my back and the homeowner understands (She was a believer as well). I began to see grace from all directions.
As time went on, the cabinet business prospered me financially and it became an idol. Again I put other things before my family. Harley’s, time with friends, hobbies and other interests took me away from God and my home. An established cabinet maker found favor in me and gave me more jobs. We had a kindred spirit, as he closed his business in Winston Salem he moved me to Raleigh. I realized about brotherly love. Johnny and I read the Bible and prayed. As summer ended we began talking about family relationships between family and God and God and family. He lost his daughter and we ministered to his family for a year. I learned the value of a family. I witnessed this through this family and how one, by God’s grace, can love unconditionally. As we moved to another town close by, I turned 50 years old. 50 years boasting of myself. The Holy Spirit showed me my best was filthy rags.
Julie and I were not speaking. We decided to go to counseling and she kicked me out of the house. She was fearful for her life and the kids as well. This was a 1 ½ years ago. Being selfish as I was, I consented to leaving the house and departed to a friends home. I did not sleep the next 3 days all of 6 hours. I had a pity party for myself, cussing and screaming this is the end of our marriage if I…. did not change. I then realized it is not about me, crying I fell on my knees, crying out to God, essentially the 51st Psalm. God heard my prayers and I could not lift my head if He had not. I used all my ways and tried everything and the Lord was tired of it. I had been so proud and vindictive that if it was not for HIS mercy, I would not be able to glory in the Cross of Christ which saved me. God’s wrath was removed because of Jesus and His grace empowers me to testify of the truth. The Lord stripped my heart bare and naked before Him. I wrestled with God and had to confess my sins of wrath and anger and admit Jesus was Lord in my life. He showed me all the sins towards my kids, the belittling and downgrading, I wanted to be beaten and deserved it. I asked God for help and to change me, I cried for mercy and forgiveness. After 3 days, we returned to our counseling and consented to sleep on the floor. My request was granted.
A few days went by and I began to walk and pray for God to reveal things to me. I would pray, God fix that woman. I knew God was tired of this and He spoke to me very clear, a crushing blow. He said, "You see that woman you married? Yes, He spoke, this is my daughter and you have hurt her for the last time, you will not hurt her again. I was crushed to my knees. I needed mercy and knew it. I could feel a measure of His anger and it crushed me. It revealed to me how I have hurt her and offended God and how I was desperate for God’s mercy and grace. When I got off my knees, I went to see Julie immediately and confessed my wrongdoing and beseeched her forgiveness. She granted the request and simply stated that I had hurt her for years, which hurt even more... I realized that I had hurt my wife and family more than I had ever imagined. I knew that Only God was going to put this back together.
As the days and the weeks went by I had learned to hear God in all the confusion of my mind. I had to learn to communicate in the smallest of things of daily life. It was revealed to me to gain understanding about my wife and learn to hear God speak to me daily about being a husband and a shepherd a father and a Dad. Daily I would call Brian and unload all the terrible things that I had done to me. And the final reply was something like “you will be all right let me pray for you” and other things that. During this time I felt like I couldn't do anything right I tried to love my wife and it seemed like it always blew up. I wasn't going to quite. I realized I had to fight my own selfishness just to learn to put Christ first, in my thinking and actions and let Him show me how to love His daughter. I’m learning to repent and confess and turn allowing God to reveal Himself and direct me.
As I had mentioned earlier in this testimony I said I would get back to you... Why did Julie stay with me through this, for ten years? So I asked her. She said “God gave me grace to see you through the eyes of Christ and if He could love you so could I” If my wife can say that to me and express her love through the eyes of Christ I knew there was Hope and Love in Christ. You have a chance as well just humble yourself and seek Christ HE will reconcile your marriage and the lives of your children. Seek Him first.... As slow of heart to believe and understand who Jesus is in relation to me and me to Him, I pray you trust Him & believe Him. The Lord began to give me courage to share the truth of my life with Julie, Ben and Emily as God saw it. Although I spent much time with my family, they never really knew me, nor I them. As I read in the gospel of Mark, “There is nothing hidden that will not be revealed and everything in secret will be brought into the light”, what I feared in the past that my wife and children would not accept me, they began to draw close to me as Jesus began to fulfill this scripture. All families have brokenness, pains and fractures due to our sin and rebellion. Be reconciled to God through Christ and He will heal the brokenhearted, mend the hurting and give sight to the blind. Growing in the knowledge that God received me on the merits of His Son Jesus and nothing I have ever done is the most amazing gift provided to mankind. Repent and tell the truth before God, He already knows. Remove the fig leaves and be covered in Christ.
God Bless,
Rick Bailey
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